Show Title Nominees - Not Ready for Prime Time

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Jim Beason
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Show Title Nominees - Not Ready for Prime Time

Here they are - many of the suggestions that came directly from the recording of the Periodic Table.  If you join in the chat room,  you too can participate in selecting the show title for that week's Periodic Table.  

Every title nominee listed in these posts represent the insightful wisdom of the esteemed hosts of that week's episode.  I'm sure that after reviewing these posts, you will feel the urge to download the podcast so that you too can be enlightened by the brilliantly intelligent conversation of the hosts.


Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
My shovel broke...


Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - September 1 Runner Up Show Titles


Bluetooth Bullhorn

Political correctness needs to die

I might just have to go with Wheel Clamp Man

He's so far undercover, he's lost it.

You might be too fat if your doctor refuses to see you!!

She hit the wrong skunk

He pulled it off twice

Somebody somewhere thought that was a good idea

She has some thigh issues

That's almost as good as getting married on a jet pack

He does not answer his phone unless he's in the bathroom

Underwear on the outside is a good thing

Thank you for checking my credentials

Who Takes Fatties?

It's Not a Madlib

Diving Near Water

Full On Naked

It's Interesting, Bizarre, and Perfect for This Show

Lay Your Pun On Us

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - September 8 Runner Up Show Titles


No drains, no problems

Bring your own pole

Poo flinging is fine

It's your constitutional right, Mark

Chair throwing is an Art

You can't patent Art

You can fry your own

Now that man has a healthy self-image

People are electing her, repeatedly apparantly

When we're done, I'll go squeeze her boobs!!

I wonder how many women did it?

Hey, there's a cow in that tree!!

With a slight condensation in his voice...

Zincy Goodness

Yes I Was Puking, Thank You

That's Pretty Ballsy

Give Him an A for Balls

Dumb On So Many Levels

At Least It Wasn't a Masticating Toilet

They Need to Do More Field Research

No One Puts the Constitution in a Corner

That's Fine in Pittsburgh

That's Like Naming a Kool-Aid Stand in Jonestown

Hitler Opening Shortly

His Nickname is Boy-fat.

One time... on a frog

Darwin would have taken care of them

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - September 15 Runner Up Show Titles



That's a lot of condoms

The Intercourse River

Faulty Condom, France

You know what this podcast needs?  More Cowbells!!!

That should be higher than sleeping with your fiancee

The moral of this story - Clean your weapons

I'm all about the punch card

He must have spit on a buddha

How can you be allegedly naked?

Are you smarter than a door?

If you're going to leave your wife, LEAVE!!

Bring in the turtle sniffing dogs

That's small for me

Really - that's just a primate in my pants

You don't want to admit you shot your own junk off.

I've got some more naked for you

When you get out of your head, you get naked

People listening to the show have no idea what we are talking about

She's a hardened criminal, obviously

The only thing that surprised me is that this did not end in a shootout

I wonder if she peed in the cop car?

It's a bad day for penis's on this show

Because a 10 inch lorus is not enough

The doctor's last words was "none of it works"

Did you put "Florida" and "penis" in Google?

You can't kill anything in California except the economy

All I have to do is read the story

Florida's On Fire This Week

That's What She Said Ba-dum-bum

Lay There and Languish

A Different Kind of Car Punch

It's Moral Night on the Periodic Table

The One-eyed Slender Loris

It's Raining Florida

We Like the Penis Region

I Didn't Think It Was Appropriate

Cause That's What You Do

Three days worth of condoms

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - September 22 Runner Up Show Titles

My chat crashed in the middle of this so I don't have everything considered.  Maybe someone else can add to this...



That makes me colon capital D

Things are a little different in China

Her son-brothers are all grown

To my hub-daddy

The chickification of man

It was the most disgusting thing that she had ever seen twice

Duct tape would be the least of their worries

You can't have female parts without male parts

She was leaning over and checking his lorus

Disney's new channel

A lorus inspection

Zero tolerance means 100% stupidity

If you love me you'll shoot me

0 = 100%

I want to be an organism that breathes

Mark Cockrell
Mark Cockrell's picture


  These are GREAT!  The amazing thing is that these are pretty much all direct quotes from the show.  If I ever run for political office this one forum thread would be enough to sink my campaign.  Keep it up, man!

Shawn Kibel
Shawn Kibel's picture
Political Office

Funny Mark.  I have had the same thought along the way.  If ever I decided to run for public office, my opponent would have a fertile ground of ammo to use against me based on this show!  I can live with that.  I love doing it!  Thanks for all the hard work Jim!  We really do appreciate it!



Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - September 29 Runner Up Show Titles

It's a Good Name for a Punk Band
There's Plenty of Those Pigs
They Hunt by Smell Rather than Sight
I Sprained My Eel
They Don't Call that a Warning Track for Nothing
Put Me Back!
A Lifetime Supply!!
I'll Be Glad to Friend You There!
Go ahead, read the phone book
Liquid arsenic – that would be a good name
You need to be drunk, stupid, or tired to laugh at this show
Welcome to the Periodic Table – bacon, butts, and penis's
How do you coax an eel into your anus?
It fit before it started blowing
Stay calm citizens, we'll evacuate your feces shortly
At least the horse was sober
Mexico is the last place you want to get murdered
I can't believe I was born to these morons!!!
He's lying on a mattress in the middle of the street
Stop!!  Or I'll say “Stop” again!!
We can fix any problem with a handgun

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - October 6 Runner Up Show Titles

It's a Barry White-a-thon
If you skin is sluffing off in sheets, call 911
I come here for my news each week
At least he wasn't dressed as Wonder Woman
I'm Batman!  I want to help!
It's a good week to be a dog
And big Bubba Joe is your roomie
I'm not stroking anyone's butt
How can you trust your fellow criminals?
You cross me, I kill you
That's a better system than criminals suing each other
So they were Sofa-King busted...
I can describe his penis really well!!
Ma'am, are any of these the penis that offended you?
You've been on the boob train for the last month
I think you could sell a turd in a bottle with boobs
It's a fine vintage 28 year old C-cup
Code 13 at the front desk
It's the sweaty pits
This was not the right kind of bling
The Last Thing You Want to See Is a Drunk Chicken
All You Need Is a Lab Coat and Couple of Monkeys
We'll Just All Go Down to Florida
I'm Used to Trussing Up Meat
Those Aren't Stitches, THESE Are Stitches
Turn to the Right, Shake It a Little Bit
Mark's Been on the Boob Train
Boobs and Bacon
Oh My Gosh! Don't Go There!

Jim Beason
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Periodic Table - October 13 Runner Up Show Titles

He's growing it for his mama
Yeah, well you're not perfect!!
It's a Batman episode
Where everything is a double entrendre
He's going to end up in a jail cell with Mullett
His bracelet proved a compelling witness
Lets ask your bracelet where you were
It's too easy for a man of my talents
Who would want to impinge upon the French?
Did Sarah Palin swoop down?
I wanted to stab her in the heart with an icepick
Insert funny story here
Is Brazil where suicide bombers go?
I was expecting him to leave a 20 on the bedpost
He's gotta steal a hundred dollars to buy a plane ticket
Did he happen to have any tweezers on him?
Can you mute your cat?
It's been a dumb episode of the Periodic Table
Honey, don't forget your leg irons
Cannibalism and bath salts
My dog is eating my cat right now
Hold On To Your Walking Stick
Be Middle-Eastern In the US
Ask His Bracelet Where He Was
What a Brother Gotta Do
I Can Pee Over Any Boat
That's Why We Don't Keep Ice Picks Lying Around
If It Hadn't Happened In Florida
We Gotta Have a Way To Pay for These Urinals
High On Coke, but They Vote
In the Joint Because of the Joint
We Only Went to Florida Once

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - October 20 Runner Up Show Titles

Mr Movie Phone
It was just beer
The only person to sleep thru Whitesnake
Fifteen minutes of Aaron's binge drinking
Stupid people putting out a stupid plan
With intent to commit a shower
He's a clean criminal
She threw her support to Marack Obama
Ground up elephant crap is just another one on the list
We can't have pieces of chicken falling out of the sky
I'm impressed with her thoroughness and balance
Her purse was already full of cheese and laxatives
Cheese, laxatives, Florida - what more do you need?
If three is hat trick, is four a pants trick?
Four is a toupee trick
How does Iron Man go to the bathroom?
Roughage on the Side
There's No Word on the Redneck
Ask Les Nessman
They Were Working on a Chicken Cannon
The Chicken However, Didn't Feel So Good
I Understand There Are Some Anatomical Differences


Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - October 27 Runner Up Show Titles

The first eight minutes will rip your heart out
She's a little too accommodating
He'll be happy either way
Obviously there is some passive aggressive issues here
This is a ploy to meet a woman
Wanted - a woman to beat me senseless
Where the poop came from, I don't know
This is all about IQ
A lifetime of sliced beef
She's a total drama queen
Let's make sure Florida doesn't have all of the stupid criminals
I would have bet 100 dollars it was Florida
You're doing a good job when you're offending hookers
Smelling it is enough to put you over the limit
A bunch of guys sitting around talking about itchy ball syndrome

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - Not November 3 Runner Up Show Titles

Unfortunately the guys were unable to record this show.  However, there is a wealth of past shows to listen to so you can get your Periodic Table fix.  For your viewing pleasure, here is a list of potential show titles from show #17, March 31, 2012:


You're a Redneck when you go to Home Depot to get a tie
The banner's still up, the banner's still up!!
Unfortunately, it's not in Florida
Get naked and pray - in that order
I apparently butt-dialed 911
He holds his dress up with one hand
They can do it in four inch heels
That wretched, despicable woman, planted flowers
High school drop out pointy headed people
Because we say so, we say we can
A shut up and stop being stupid letter
It's the Al Gore effect
It's mostly genetics and luck
If she has worn a celebratory tube top
Lines have to be drawn somewhere
They fell in love on first e-mail
He takes her for waddles
Sit ups, or bend overs, or whatever
She really started small
Why not go for the full ton
Both groups of people are pretty silly
Pew jumping was a regular occurance
I'm protesting this before you even start
Sausage fest
Oh, that was the give-away
That's a terrible waste of beer
Beer is liquid bread
Red neck New Zealand mace
Get your porn star to the prom

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - November 10 Runner Up Show Titles

Captain Tardypants
He's so big, yet so gentle
I proudly wear my Opieness on my car
Don't pee outside
He's got his bullet in his pocket
That baby is nothing a hundred thousand dollars can't fix
More zero-tolerance stupidity
If it's not worth interrupting, it's not worth saying
A good round number for plastic surgery
I wonder if he had his genitalia removed?
I don't have a phone with naked pictures
Be quick!  The dinosaurs are gonna eat it!
Australians are meaner than the Mayans
What's Strontium?
Zero Tolerance Equals 100% Stupidity
Urinus Interruptus
Thank You Goggle Chrome
I Fly-tip My Hat To You
Had to Have Some Florida
Send Them To Me
Word To Live By
Feast Your Eyes and Suffer
That's Where I Keep the AKs

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - November 17 Runner Up Show Titles

Regardless of how many legs they have
Can marry as many super models as  you want
Secede from the union, hand me another beer
That Arkansas border might be the worst
Squeeze their dog
Maybe you have to move up a level to get minions
Fives of people listening to us
The house stopped you nicely
In Minnesota, we might cover that story
Guard alligators are just appetizers
Let's hope she's a good cook
Excuse me while I throw up
It that doesn't break cameras, nothing will
The Electoral College is lost on her

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - December 1 Runner Up Show Titles

The next date rape drug
Not to be confused with a crap cake
It's a Chinese fortune pigeon
She's been my mom my whole life
I eat steroids just fine
Give me a thigh
On the scene we have Dumb Bimbo
He had a goat to choke
Florida needs to step it up
Pluto - was it destroyed?
We had to get some Florida in there
It Was a Crepecake
Dumb Bimbo Newscaster
Look for Shawn on the G-Spirits Forums
He was smothered by double D's
From the 47th floor of the Element Opie tower
(The last one was not said on the show.  I just liked the way it sounded.)

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - December 8 Runner Up Show Titles

Can you kill me out?
Duck dynasty zombies
French sperm are surrendering
I've had more kids than days I've worked
You just shoot the dog
The devil is at work inside The Vatican
If they sink and drown, they weren't the devil
How do you keep from licking it all off?
Giving new meaning to meat
What model wants big boobs?
Vodka made me blind, whiskey made me see
The running underwear woman
She's quite the looker
Apparently his truck was in his bedroom
You Can't Be a Modern American
He Had a Glimmer In His Eye
Giving New Meaning to Meat
Divorce By Text Message Is Uncommon
If You Love Me, You'll Let Me Drink It
I Don't Need Glasses, I Need More Whiskey
It's a Real Nice Single-wide
Some People Are Better at a Distance

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - December 15 Runner Up Show Titles

The guy is very fond of his missing nose ring
One leg at a time, I'm assuming
Plutonic relationship
The very need for a porn site to advertise is silly
The impotence of proofreading
The Lithuanians - there's a sale on them this week
Maybe the 251st time is the charm
They can meet at other sporting events to have their carnage
Freddie Mercury's back!!!
We need a native Dutch speaker
They just move the brawl down the street
Lock your driveway before you leave it
Breastloads of cocaine
If you want balls on your Christmas tree...
Get a spoon and get after it
Sometimes You Just really Need to Riot
But Wait, There's More!
You have the plug, we have the socket
Time of death 11:15

BostonPeng's picture
I may have to start using

I may have to start using "Get a spoon and get after it." Just to see the reaction I get from folks. In fact I may have to add it to my custom fortunes list just so I can get it on my desktop and terminal from time to time.

If you guys don't put this on a t-shirt I may have to. Just because.

FormerFatGuy's picture

I think a "Periodic Table" t-shirt with a top ten "didn't make the cut" list would be great.

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - December 22 Runner Up Show Titles

Stop badgering me!
Live from the Sportatorium
Synchronized road rage
They were preparing for the Mayan apocalypse
Run around naked and ram into people
Where a kid can be mauled by another kid
If you can have naked and Florida...
Just in case the Mayans are right - AAAAHHHH!!!!
And Quote, "It escalated"
Mandy for all eternity
For the discerning undead
We didn't know this was a picnic
Naked is the theme
Turn on the camera and see what happens
You have to have a prescription
They forgot to stop
Analogy, analogy, analogy, cliche, cliche
Naked is the theme a lot of nights here
It’s a down under kind of night
Preparing for the Mayan apocalypse

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - January 12 Runner Up Show Titles

That's what Christmas is really about!
An episode of Cops waiting to happen
Dropping an anvil on someone's head
They smurfed him up good
How do you arrest a cat?
A rapper died, let me go get an alligator
The marijuana house alligator
A labi-lion, I tell ya!!
I only get my news from here
Pointed a gun, then took a dump
A Monty Python skit broke out
Jumping right into the nakedness
The cat doesn't speak
He's a redneck gamer
He needs a bionic brain implant
What was I supposed to do?
It's not Florida weird

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - January 19 Runner Up Show Titles

We actually used three show titles on this week's show.  You will see one on the feed.  See if you can figure out what the other two titles are...

And now, the runner-up titles...


And don't stand near gluten
She was on a doobie run
It looked just like my car
He's a whole team, that's why
That's something you never want to outsource
Hey, I registered as Barack Obama
Another Spiro Agnew, that's new
You thumbed your nose at my segways
They should have consulted the Mulletts
Seth's internet travels under water
If you're easily offended, you would not have gotten this far
I went all Bevis and Butthead
There's a thin veneer of maturity
His Code Was Impeccable
I Would Have Paused if it had read Mitt Romney
Have you ever eaten cafeteria food?
Are there no Mormons in Canada?
It's All in Slow Motion
Can't we all just get along

Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - January 19 Runner Up Show Titles


A penny laid is a penny earned
It Was No Journey Song
Battle Babies
I've Never Seen a Goat Named Gerald
Turns Out I'm Not Very Good at Naming Things
Curling Is
Sorry About the Mess!
We're gonna Get Right on That
Goats have immunity from the law
No Wonder I'm Bloated
I'm Droppin' Some Science On You Yo!
We May Have to Retire Florida
Florida Has Reached the Pinnacle
If You want to buy some goats, hit me up
Dragging a fag
The back of the highchair was covering her face
Sister set a truckload of cheese on fire
We have cars that go faster than 6 miles an hour
They're magically litigious
Froggy went a-courtin'
Jim Beason
Jim Beason's picture
Periodic Table - February 23 Runner Up Show Titles


Best mom ever!
It happened at a bowling alley
Money don't make you smart
Facebook is a cop's best friend
It's a misdemeanor to look at the picture
It's not the first time a Floridian has mounted a Sea Cow
Tonight - the manatee versus the panda!
A genious, an idiot, maybe both
They wouldn't arrest me!
Don't do the crime if the dog can't do the time
Break the wrist and walk away
The chances for a pop quiz are looking gooder and gooder
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